How I (a Super Disabled Woman) had Sex the First Time

And an intro to the Drug Lord

Content warning: Graphic sexual descriptions

TL;DR I was 24 the first time I had full on penetrative penis in vagina sex. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t amazing. It was just nice.

Skip to The Warm-up or The Actual Sex for the good stuff

I suppose it’s time I start getting to the meat and potatoes of this blog…aren’t you all here to hear about my sexual experiences? I have talked about the first guy I had full on intercourse with, but I didn’t talk about our first time. I figured tonight is as good of night as any to properly introduce everyone to him and to describe my first time in detail. I know when I was thinking about having sex for the first time, I eagerly gobbled up every first-hand account of people with disabilities having sex that I could find. The graphicness of this post isn’t gratuitous.

The Meeting

I met the Drug Lord (just a nickname. He wasn’t smart enough to be a drug lord) on Tinder. I will be the first to say, I hate online dating. It is the place where happiness goes to die a slow and painful death. Be that as it may, online dating is how I have met every single guy I have ever had a romantic or sexual relationship with. Every time I meet a guy for the first time out in the real world, they assume I am asexual and I get friendzoned (I know gross word. I’m sorry I don’t know how else to say it) within thirty seconds. If they ever see me as a full-fledged woman it takes years, me having to plant a lot of ideas in their heads, so on and so forth. Online dating on the other hand gives me control of the narrative. I can convey that I am sexual, funny, and smart in a hundred and fifty words or less. Countless men have told me I have the best bio they have ever read. If you want a post about writing the perfect Tinder bio when you have a disability comment below.

Anyway, Drug Lord and I talked for a couple days before meeting in person. And of course, we talked about sex before ever meeting. I try not to do that now, but I was a desperate 24-year-old virgin; cut me some slack. He was a 30 something, attractive enough, drug dealer and drug maker who lived at home with his dad. To say he was rough around the edges was an understatement; the dude was straight up sandpaper. But it was his roughness that made him safe because I knew the moment I met with him face to face that I would never fall in love with him which made him the perfect person to lose my virginity to (yeah, I know I have issues).

We met at a cafe and my caregiver was probably thirty feet away with her earbuds in at a different table. I had told the Drug Lord that my caregiver would be there. Now I typically don’t tell guys I am meeting that I have a caregiver in incognito mode nearby because it makes me feel more disabled and therefore more intimidating. Also, it’s just not my dates’ business but that’s for a future post.

Drug Lord kept touching my thighs and telling me how he was going to give me my first orgasm ever (we had already talked about how I couldn’t pleasure myself before we ever met). It was crude but it was also really really hot to have someone looking at me with that type of hunger in their eyes. I had told myself just a few days prior after getting in a fight with a close guy friend (see number 4 on this post) that the next guy that wanted to do me could have me. And I knew the second I got in my car to go home that the Drug Lord was that man.

The Warm-up

I saw the Drug Lord again just 24 hours later. According to him, he just wanted to give me my first orgasm and nothing else. I naively believed him and didn’t even shave my legs (though we all know this doesn’t stop sexy time from happening). I knew we would have sex sooner or later and without any pressure at all, I would have let him probably after hanging out three or so more times.

He showed up at my one-bedroom apartment and I turned the tv up extra loud for my caregiver. Trying to date and keep caregivers happy is a real learning curve. I wasn’t particularly close to this caregiver, so I told her I had company and to not come in my bedroom.

Everything else happened pretty quickly, it always does. I remember being really nervous because for all intents and purposes the Drug Lord was still a stranger. When he got to my unlocked door, I led him straight to my bedroom so he wouldn’t have to meet my caregiver because awkward. I gave him instructions on how to use my suction machine (I do this with every guy since I have a hard time managing oral secretions, especially on my back). He picked me up out of my chair in that stiff and gentle way that those unfamiliar with my body do. He didn’t hurt me. Getting picked up cradle style never hurts me. The fun part was figuring out how the two of us were going to fit comfortably in a hospital bed. I have this theory that hospital beds are not made for living. I’m smaller than the average person and the normal size hospital bed is barely big enough for me, let alone another person. Nonetheless, it’ll do in a pinch.

The Drug Lord laid me on my back and lied on his side—partially hung off the bed—it was clunky, but it was what it was. He emphasized the fact that he didn’t want to hurt me; he just wanted me to feel good. He touched me everywhere: my breasts, my legs, my arms, my vagina. I tensed when he put his hand down there. The guy that had touched me two years before was rough. But the Drug Lord was older and gentle. He started with my clitoris for a while before ever inserting a finger into me. There was pressure but there was never pain. He slid my pants down but didn’t remove my shirt; I have had one guy that wanted me naked bad enough to get me naked every time. I believe the Drug Lord briefly performed oral sex on me. I had already told him that the mechanics of my mouth wouldn’t allow me to return the favor—I try to tell every guy that before we ever have sex—and he said he was fine with that because he loved to give. In a future post I’ll tell you how oral sex became a point of contention with us. When he was done giving me oral, he pulled out a vibrator and used it on my clitoris. In retrospect, I should have been grossed out by the fact that he definitely used that toy on other women but too much was happening for me to care then.

Honestly, it was all a little overwhelming and not necessarily in a bad way, but it wasn’t entirely comfortable. I remember being hot like sweaty hot. There were a few times my clitoris was being so overstimulated it didn’t feel good. If I could have scooted my hips away, I probably would had. And if I told him I didn’t like it he would have tried something else, as it was it took me years to learn that it’s okay to say what I want in bed and at the time I was too nervous

The Actual Sex

After a half an hour of touching and him not being able to get me to climax he asked if I wanted to try having sex. The hormonal fog lifted from me then. Full on sex hadn’t been on my agenda, I had just been super horny and was eager to have someone play with me sexually. But he had been focusing on my body for a better part of an hour. I couldn’t really kiss him (mouth mechanics again) or give him a hand job or a blowjob. What I could do though was allow him to enter my body. I was going to do it with him eventually, anyway. So, I said yes.

He held his body over mine. My hips are really tight from being in a wheelchair for nearly thirty years. If the guy is really skinny and my knees are pushed semi up while I’m on my back the guy can fit between my legs just fine. If his waist is more average size, we have to do a modified missionary position. Find picture. This is what the Drug Lord did. Imagine something along the lines of this:

There are virtually no sexual diagrams for people with disabilities so you get this generic ass picture. (Photo credit)

He pushed his penis into me very slowly. There was pressure and a sense of fullness but zero pain because he had spent so much time on foreplay. He didn’t move me much at all, it was easiest just to keep me on my back. I know I must have asked to use my suction during sex which he didn’t mind because it was close enough to the bed that he didn’t have to change position. It was an all-around just pleasant experience if not super remarkable. I know that a lot of women with my disease struggle with penetration due to their scoliosis affecting their pelvises, but that is not I.

When all was said and done, he took a wipe and cleaned me up (yes, we used a condom). Clean-up was a big deal for me as the first guy I was ever sexual with couldn’t bear to do that. We must have cuddled afterwards, as well as you can cuddle on a hospital bed. I didn’t pee afterwards, mostly because asking him to hold my female urinal so I could pee felt more intimate than anything else we had just done. And after a decent amount of time, I communicated with him how to put my pants back on and get me back into my wheelchair. I cannot stress this enough: if you want to have sex everything is easier if you’re comfortable with different people moving your body and communicating how you need your body to be moved.

When I entered the living room and the Drug Lord left, I didn’t tell my caregiver what just happened. But I was giddy knowing I wasn’t going to die a virgin. I wish I could say I felt like some magical new person, but I didn’t. I just felt good. I also felt sure that I’d see the Drug Lord again.

Moral of the story for you:

Sex will happen when you go out there and make it happen. Maybe it’ll be magical and maybe it won’t, but you won’t know until you try. And rejection is just a shitty part of life; it’ll happen so don’t focus on it. Focus on the good that happens when you keep trying.

Moral of the story for the non-disabled reader:

For the love of all that is holy stop assuming people with disabilities aren’t lovable or fuckable. We are.