And Why I Won’t do it
Content Warning: semi-graphic sexual description, internalized ableism(?)
TL;DR Dating someone with a disability like mine is not for me for multiple reasons.
For as long as I can remember, whenever I talk about the issues I have had dating non-disabled men the first thing people say is, “well why don’t you date someone like you?” “Like you,” means disabled. I guess the simplest answer is this: the only time in my life I feel the least disabled is when I am having sex. There’s no caregiver, there are a few reminders about my limitations, but nothing insurmountable. It’s when I feel the most, “normal.” That probably means I have some internalized hatred/ableism going on, but it is what it is.
I have had people call me a hypocrite because I don’t want to date a guy that’s like me yet I expect people to desire to date me. I suppose they’d be correct if my reasoning had to do with the opinions of others, what I assumed he couldn’t provide for me, etc. None of that is why I don’t entertain the idea of a disabled-on-disabled relationship. Hell, I have had feelings for several guys in physical situations such as mine. The reason I don’t do it is more layered.
For all intents and purposes, I am basically paralyzed. I can feel everything. But I say paralyzed because I really can’t move anything enough to be of consequence. Apart from my two fingers that I use for my chair and typing, a couple muscles in my face, and my pelvic floor muscles nearly everything else is useless. I would date a guy with a disability if he had upper body strength.
If I dated a guy “like me” though, it’d mean even the slightest physical intimacy between us would need to be facilitated by non-disabled people. Could you imagine being in love with your best friend and not being able to touch them? Something as easy as hand holding becomes another task that people have to help you with. There’s also privacy. I’m sure I have mentioned this in my other posts…I can never be alone-alone for safety reasons. However, I can be alone with guys I’m dating because I teach them how to help me in an emergency. If I dated someone as medically fragile as me, it means we would never have any privacy. If the caregivers wouldn’t be in the same room, they’d be just on the other side of the wall listening to be summoned.
Then add sex into the mixture. Though there have been couples who both have severe physical disabilities that make sex work, it’s a rock-hard (pun not intended but I can dig it) no for me. I was talking to a guy recently who has a disability similar to mine. I was saying sex with him wasn’t going to work for me. His response was, “Why not? You have hands and I have a mouth.” Which is fine and dandy, but literally me giving a hand job consists of a guy taking my hand and putting it on his member then moving it forcibly. This is hot when I want the guy. This would not be hot if a non-sexual partner was manipulating my hand on the guy’s penis. The logistics of penetrative sex with a guy like me is a lady boner killer like none other. It’s not because of his body at all. It’s the idea of doing something so intimate with caregivers in the room that sounds horrible. I could probably (slim change) be persuaded into trying an orgy with the right group of people and if one of the guys so happens to be like me so be it. But turning caregivers into some weird reluctant sex workers is not my jam.
Take sex completely out of the picture for a moment. You must understand that for me, time and touch are the only love languages I need. Nothing else matters much. One of the guys I loved would position himself so I could always touch him. One of our things was that he would often just lie his head on my lap so I could lightly rub his head when we talked. That was some top-notch level intimacy for me.
I watched this video once of this disabled couple in Europe. If you have a few minutes, please watch. Their pain of wanting to hold the person they were in love with and not being able to as much as they needed was palpable. It only solidified my beliefs that I didn’t want a relationship like that. Maybe I’ll change my mind down the road, but right now this is where I am at. Perhaps it makes me shallow. Perhaps it makes me short-sighted. Whatever the case though, it makes me honest. And because I know what I can handle, I hope that makes me a better partner. For someone. Someday.
