And an introduction S.T. Joe
Content Warning: Possessive behavior
I’m a lot like a dude in that sex means nothing to me. It doesn’t have to mean nothing. And it doesn’t always mean nothing to me, but my first reaction to sex is to not put a lot of weight on it. Perhaps the romantic in me has been fucked over one too many times and classically conditioned by all the guys I have been with to get attached just because of sex. What I’m saying is I am great at separating the heart from the body.
Sure, in the ideal world I’d only make love with my soulmate; we’d both climax at the same time every time; we’d tell each other words of love and we’d fall asleep knowing that we would wake up with this person forever.
In the real-world, there’s tons of meaningless fucking before you ever get to make love; there’s zero security that lets you know if a person is going to like you five days from now let alone five years. I had sex with the first guy I ever had sex with because I disliked him enough my heart was safe (I have problems, we’ve already established this). The only time I have ever said “I love you” during sex was once and because a long-term sex partner of mine (y’all will meet him soon enough) couldn’t finish until I said it, repeatedly.
I have rules about what I expect from a partner before I am excusive and I tell every guy I sleep with that I need A and B, before they get C and I cut off other men. Which I guess comes as a shock for most of the guys I talk to, whether it’s because I’m honest or because I’m honest AND disabled I really don’t know.
This is where S.T. Joe comes in to play…
…we talked for a month before ever meeting because he was in the army so between his crazy work schedule and living an hour away near base there was a lot of scheduling conflicts. We talked constantly and I really enjoyed him early on in our situationship, however the red flags (I’ll discuss them in detail in a different post) started popping up before we even met.
He got really mad at me that I was seeing other guys. I don’t even remember how the conversation came up, but it was before we met. He thought he was the only guy I was talking to. I’m not even sure why considering we had met on Tinder, and everyone knows it’s casual for a reasonable amount of time and then you can talk about exclusivity. Nevertheless, he was big mad. And he was EXTRA big mad, after we slept together, and I told him again that I don’t commit to just any guy. Throughout our two years on and off he constantly got upset about me seeing other guys, yet he never once took me out on a date, he didn’t come over when I wanted, at most I saw him 5 times in a year. At one point I did lie and tell him we were exclusive just to get him off my back. Not my proudest moment, but dude had a horrible temper.
I want to say he was the only guy to wanted me to be exclusive for nothing in return, but he’s not. I have had countless men before we ever meet expect me to verbally commit to them and only them to do the absolute barest minimum in return. Usually, I don’t meet these guys because being slut-shamed is a huge turn-off. From my non-disabled friends, I realize this is type of possessiveness is not normal but especially in the early stages of a relationship.
I can’t help but wonder if it’s such a common occurrence for me because men see me and think, “you know what? She’s in a wheelchair which means I have zero competition therefore she will be grateful for my stale breadcrumbs and pine after me.” And when I put my foot down and tell them they are wrong that just breaks their little egos/brains, but I don’t care. I can’t care.
